Rules
for Cats Who Have a House to Run
Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To
get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
Chairs
& Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is
no oriental rug, shag is good.
Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything--just sit and stare. 
Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other
human is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules
for "hampering":
- When supervising
cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot
be seen, and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.
- For book
readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
- For knitting
projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible, or at
least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The working
may try to distract you. Ignore it. Remember that the aim is to
hamper the work. Embroidery and needlework projects make great
hammocks, in spite of what humans may tell you.
- For humans
paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim--to hamper!
First sit on the paper being worked on. When removed, watch sadly
from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and
erasers off the table, one at a time.
- When a
human is holding a newspaper in front of him/her be sure to pounce
on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in
their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.
Bedtime:
Always sleep ON the human at night so s/he can't move around.
(The above piece
was borrowed from Iowa
Lifeline of Iowa, Inc., located in Carlisle, IA. They are a
special needs, no-kill animal shelter, founded in 1987.)
Deep
Thoughts on Dogs...
The
reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue.
-Anonymous
The
most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
-Ambrose Bierce
The
dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic.
-Henry Ward Beecher
If
you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering
somebody else's dog around.
-Will Rogers
If
you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a
man.
-Mark Twain
You
think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there
long before any of us.
-Robert Louis Stevenson
Ever
consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come
back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken,
pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Don't
accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
-Ann Landers
I
wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult.
-Rita Rudner
If
you think dogs can't count,
try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him
only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
Scratch
a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
-Franklin P. Jones
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